My So-Called Blog: January 2014

Dear Football Fans,
I don't watch a lot of tv, and I don't watch any football. So, it's really ironic that I'm writing a blog about the Superbowl. But I am going to to help you all out today and save you from spending a LOT of money that could be better spent pretty much anywhere else.
I have seen a few commercials and print ads, and I need to dispel this massive untruth right away. If you choke up the big bucks for your Superbowl tickets and think you are coming to New York, you are NOT. You are coming to New Jersey.
Yes. That's right. The Meadowlands Sports Complex is in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Not that I've ever seen a sport played there, but I've seen countless concerts in that big bowl of echo-y sound and I know that they play football there too, even, as ludicrous as this may sound, in the winter.

And WHEN did it become METLIFE stadium?

I don't know why New Jersey is getting the Superbowl.
Maybe we need the attention. We barely ever make the national news.
If you have to fly here, well, good luck dealing with our airports. If you thought you were going to New York and you booked your flight to Kennedy or LaGuardia, you won't make it to the game anyway because of traffic. If you fly into Newark, I will apologize right now for the downright surly manner in which you will be treated upon landing...
"Excuse me, where do I get my luggage?"
"What do I fucking look like? Google maps? Look at the signs."

Traffic getting in and out of the stadium will be horrible. It's not like they've had years of practice. And I just checked, game time is 6:30, so it will be getting dark then too. Perfect.

Oh, yea, good luck finding your car after the game. "Fuggedaboutit."

There are only one or two hotels near there, so you will probably have to drive a way on one of our congested highways. But don't think about taking in the sights, because the funny thing about East Rutherford is that there is exactly nothing else to do around there.
If you like fast food, you're all set, so that's a plus. We have every type on both sides of Route 17 North and South of the Stadium, and a dozen CVS and Walgreens' stores to buy antacid after eating all that fast food. The last time I drove past, there were about 4 Starbucks', at least one with a drive-through, which will be handy since you'll probably have rotten weather.

Okay, there is ONE good restaurant. My family and I like to go there, and I really should get a slice of the total my blog brings them. Check out Park and Orchard, in East Rutherford, for a casual, but delicious dinner. Buddy's Pasta is my all time favorite dish there. And you can go swimming in their martinis.
There's really nothing else to do near the Meadowlands except for one topless bar, and rows of discount tire stores, strip malls and gas stations. Half of which will be closed because of the Blue Laws still in effect in our county on Sundays.
So, for goodness sake, STAY HOME. Stay in the nice pleasant place you already live, with warm weather and friendly people. Watch the game on television with your nachos and hummus and beer.

So, who did Sabra have to muscle out for this dubious distinction?

Don't give NJ the money, we will just spend it foolishly, on Xanadu, or bright red traffic cones. You can use that money for your kids' college tuition, or saving the whales or adding on to your home. Or send it to me, and I'll use it (for my kid's college tuition, or saving the whales or adding on to MY home!).
But if you're really set on coming, at least you can know that you're staying in New Jersey and not New York, so you don't have to worry about the bridge traffic. And I have three empty bedrooms I'd be willing to rent out for the weekend for a very good price.