I'm tired of saying "I won't go out alone," or "I need a concert buddy," and something that happened last night to a good friend of mine proves that I will be saying that for a long time to come.
My friend Sharon and I went out for a nice dinner and then to hear some live music at a favorite club. I go there all the time, and was excited to show her this special place. We hadn't seen each other in a while and never ran out of conversation: our kids, our men, our extended families, music we had seen and were yet to see, our jobs... We really were enjoying the night and anticipating some great tunes.
When we got to the bar, she loved it and we each got a drink and found a nice spot to settle in. I saw a few friends mine and introduced her. We got back to our conversation.
But then, Sharon's face fell, as she saw someone she knew. Before she could tell me anything, he came over, and was in our space. As she's a kind person, she wasn't rude, but nothing in her voice or body language gave this guy, Carl, the impression she was happy to see him, or welcome in our conversation, except possibly his ego. After he moved on, I assured her the room would get crowded and we'd keep our distance.
Other guys came up to us (mostly her) and we coolly let them know we were not interested. But as the night wore on, Carl, and another guy (we'll call him Stan) circled around Sharon like two hawks taking turns. The more drunk they got, the more assertive they became. Another friend came by and made a wedge between Sharon and Carl so she and I could dance, but this could only last so long. When Stan started touching Sharon's shoulders, we moved to the back of the room, but that's where Carl was.
By the end of the first set, we were done. I felt exhausted trying to help her, she looked miserable and beleaguered having had to fight them off all night. I felt stupid that I had to ask my friends to "babysit" us when we were out for the night. I felt horrible thinking "next time we should just come with our husbands." What is this? 1950?
This is not our fault! Last night it happened to Sharon, but this has happened to me. And not when I was in my 20's. It's happened all my life, and still happens. It happens to my daughter. If you are reading this maybe it's happened to you. Or your wife, mom, daughter, girlfriend.
Hey men. If this is what you do when you drink too much, stop drinking. This is not appropriate or fair behavior. It is harassment. If it happened in the work place you would all be fired. But if it happens in a bar, we women just leave feeling bad and missing the music.
It's time for a change. Instead of leaving the bar next time, I will be talking to the manager about the belligerent patron(s) hassling and harassing the women.
And then I'll have fun with my concert buddy and enjoy the music.
Post Script:
After publishing this blog and getting a lot of feedback on facebook and a ton of hits... I thought I'd publish some of the comments from people. Since they didn't publish them here, I have omitted their names, as I did in the original blog.
From my friend who was in the band that I went to see...
I'm so upset to hear this. I wish I could have been aware. The whole band would have been off the stage to remove them in seconds. Sadly it would not have been our first time doing this. In the unlikely event you make it back ...to our next gig... we can have a hand signal. I'll also let the bouncer know to have your back. I know (other friends in a favorite band) will do the same. No excuse for our friends to feel uncomfortable even for a second.From a fellow concert-goer who is not my friend...well, now she is.
I go out alone all the time. Step 1: "Please don't talk to me." Step 2 (the warning): "Do I have to get security or police involved?" Step 3: Let security know and have someone walk you to your car. If you notice someone following you- head straight to police dept. I even have the police station programmed on my gps so if someone breaks into my car and decides to visit my home- they'll get a big surprise! Zero tolerance for intimidation and harassment over here!It's a shame we have to think like this, but some good advice...
This one is from a good friend of mine:
All women have a right to go out and enjoy themselves without having to deal with being harassed and stalked. Men need to step up and call out any man they see acting in a disrespectful manner. Women however, need to stop worrying about protecting people's feelings and being perceived as "rude" or a "bitch". It goes against how our culture raises us, but we need to break the cycle. Any woman has a right to tell a guy to back off, and if they don't, get the staff involved.Absolutely. And another good friend, a male wrote:
Read this with great distress. I also noticed there are no comments from guys on this at all. Perhaps, like me, they are uncomfortable being associated with males that act that way. I'm sorry for your experience Juliet.So, who knows... maybe getting the conversation started was a good thing to do. Just today I learned that the manager of this particular bar read the blog and was completely on board with making sure all patrons in this music venue feel safe at all times. I guess that should go without saying, but knowing what has been going on under his watch now makes him responsible. And makes me feel a lot better about heading back there again real soon.
Okay, one more thing...
My 29 year-old son was home for a visit. He heard me talking about this incident, and the blog. He didn't really want to discuss it, or the implications of what must happen all the time with his sister, a gorgeous 25 year-old who goes out alone all the time. But, I did find this article, carefully cut out of the New York Times, sitting at my spot at the kitchen table one morning.
What a Lifetime of Leers Does to Us
Thanks so much for shedding light on this. This happens almost every time I go out with just one other girlfriend. Its not so bad as a group of girls but with 2 girls it seems to be the worst. The first night of the dead50 shows in Chicago it was me and 1 other girlfriend who had seats together. The first guy leaned all over my shoulders and slobbered all over me. Then he told me I was really "not fun" and moved onto my friend when I told him to leave. Later that night another man would not leave me alone and it got so bad that I left to another spot and he followed me. The security saw what was going on and intervened. He actually walked the man away from me. I was thankful for that security guard. The next 2 nights we had men with us and I explained to them that I was happy they were there because of all the creepy dudes. I mean come on!!! This should not be happening. The best we can do now is keep raising our sons to treat women with respect. We deserve to enjoy live music without being harassed by some creepy men!
ReplyDeleteI thank you for your reply. I have gotten a lot of responses on facebook, both publicly and privately and I will post some of them. The ones from women somehow just accept that this is the way it is, while the responses from men show shock and disdain. And yes, it's the worst when it is just two women. This blog post has also gotten a lot of hits, showing that people are sharing it, so I guess it is resonating with people even if they are not responding.
DeleteI don't know what the scene is like with other genres of music, but it's pretty sad to see it so prevalent in the Deadhead world.