Don't Stand So Close to Me

I'll make this short, though not so sweet.

I'm tired of saying "I won't go out alone," or "I need a concert buddy," and something that happened last night to a good friend of mine proves that I will be saying that for a long time to come.

My friend Sharon and I went out for a nice dinner and then to hear some live music at a favorite club. I go there all the time, and was excited to show her this special place.  We hadn't seen each other in a while and never ran out of conversation: our kids, our men, our extended families, music we had seen and were yet to see, our jobs...  We really were enjoying the night and anticipating some great tunes.

When we got to the bar, she loved it and we each got a drink and found a nice spot to settle in.  I saw a few friends mine and introduced her.  We got back to our conversation.

But then, Sharon's face fell, as she saw someone she knew.   Before she could tell me anything, he came over, and was in our space.  As she's a kind person, she wasn't rude, but nothing in her voice or body language gave this guy, Carl, the impression she was happy to see him, or welcome in our conversation, except possibly his ego. After he moved on, I assured her the room would get crowded and we'd keep our distance.

Other guys came up to us (mostly her) and we coolly let them know we were not interested.  But as the night wore on, Carl, and another guy (we'll call him Stan) circled around Sharon like two hawks taking turns.  The more drunk they got, the more assertive they became.  Another friend came by and made a wedge between Sharon and Carl so she and I could dance, but this could only last so long. When Stan started touching Sharon's shoulders, we moved to the back of the room, but that's where Carl was.

By the end of the first set, we were done.  I felt exhausted trying to help her, she looked miserable and beleaguered having had to fight them off all night.  I felt stupid that I had to ask my friends to "babysit" us when we were out for the night.  I felt horrible thinking "next time we should just come with our husbands."  What is this?  1950?

This is not our fault!  Last night it happened to Sharon, but this has happened to me. And not when I was in my 20's.  It's happened all my life, and still happens.  It happens to my daughter.  If you are reading this maybe it's happened to you.  Or your wife, mom, daughter, girlfriend.

Hey men.  If this is what you do when you drink too much, stop drinking. This is not appropriate or fair behavior.  It is harassment.  If it happened in the work place you would all be fired.  But if it happens in a bar, we  women just leave feeling bad and missing the music.

It's time for a change. Instead of leaving the bar next time, I will be talking to the manager about the belligerent patron(s) hassling and harassing the women.

And then I'll have fun with my concert buddy and enjoy the music.



Post Script:
After publishing this blog and getting a lot of feedback on facebook and a ton of hits... I thought I'd publish some of the comments from people.  Since they didn't publish them here, I have omitted their names, as I did in the original blog.

From my friend who was in the band that I went to see...

I'm so upset to hear this. I wish I could have been aware. The whole band would have been off the stage to remove them in seconds. Sadly it would not have been our first time doing this. In the unlikely event you make it back ...to our next gig... we can have a hand signal. I'll also let the bouncer know to have your back. I know (other friends in a favorite band) will do the same. No excuse for our friends to feel uncomfortable even for a second.

From a fellow concert-goer who is not my friend...well, now she is.

I go out alone all the time. Step 1: "Please don't talk to me." Step 2 (the warning): "Do I have to get security or police involved?" Step 3: Let security know and have someone walk you to your car. If you notice someone following you- head straight to police dept. I even have the police station programmed on my gps so if someone breaks into my car and decides to visit my home- they'll get a big surprise! Zero tolerance for intimidation and harassment over here!

It's a shame we have to think like this, but some good advice...

This one is from a good friend of mine:

All women have a right to go out and enjoy themselves without having to deal with being harassed and stalked. Men need to step up and call out any man they see acting in a disrespectful manner. Women however, need to stop worrying about protecting people's feelings and being perceived as "rude" or a "bitch". It goes against how our culture raises us, but we need to break the cycle. Any woman has a right to tell a guy to back off, and if they don't, get the staff involved.

Absolutely.  And another good friend, a male wrote:

Read this with great distress. I also noticed there are no comments from guys on this at all. Perhaps, like me, they are uncomfortable being associated with males that act that way. I'm sorry for your experience Juliet.

So, who knows... maybe getting the conversation started was a good thing to do.  Just today I learned that the manager of this particular bar read the blog and was completely on board with making sure all patrons in this music venue feel safe at all times.  I guess that should go without saying, but knowing what has been going on under his watch now makes him responsible.   And makes me feel a lot better about heading back there again real soon.

Okay, one more thing...

My 29 year-old son was home for a visit.  He heard me talking about this incident, and the blog.  He didn't really want to discuss it, or the implications of what must happen all the time with his sister, a gorgeous 25 year-old who goes out alone all the time. But, I did find this article, carefully cut out of the New York Times, sitting at my spot at the kitchen table one morning.

What a Lifetime of Leers Does to Us

Lets finish off that Peach

The Peach Festival.  Chapters 1 - 7 can be found by scrolling back, or up, or whatever...  I felt that the blog was getting too long.  Here we have the final few chapters, thoughts, musings, photos and ramblings about my time at the Peach Festival...August 15 - 18, 2013 at Montage Mountain near Scranton, PA.  If you are a linear type person, and A type personality, or have been following along, that post comes before this one. Otherwise it doesn't much matter.

It's been exactly a week since I found myself immersed in a 4-day music festival featuring bands I know and love.  I could have stayed longer... the weather was perfect, the site was great, the company delightful.  I was in my element.  But all good things (and luckily bad things too) must come to an end, so I have decided to write about it and share my perspective on it... or some of it at least.  It's as much for me, to come back to it and read it and remember it, as it is for you out there in blog-land.

DEAD-ERCISE
Just a note about this... If you want to lose a few pounds, I recommend a four-day weekend of seeing music on  lovely mountainside spot.  With all the walking and dancing and the terrible and expensive food, this could really be a great weight-loss program for Deadheads.  Think about it.  I suppose you'd have to cut out the beer to really make all that calorie burning pay off, but I'll tell you with the water park and all that shlepping, it was quite the workout each day. 

Well, at least this guy is sleeping with his dog.

CONCERT ETIQUETTE
Okay, I don't want to get preachy or judgy here... but obviously just by saying that it's clear I'm about to do both.  
PETS:  Don't bring them.  If you can figure out how to come to a show like this, then you can figure out what to do with your dog.  (Or cat, tho I've never seen a cat in someone's car.)  There's no way this is ever okay for your dog, living in your car while you are at the show, then being walked in the hot parking lot, and then getting back in the car.  
KIDS:  Yea, I brought my kids to a concert here and there when they were growing up.  But not a 4-day festival.  Kids need their routine, their food, their beds, toys, structure.  But okay.  If you do bring your kids... take care of them.  Nothing ruins my great mood more than this sentence, "She's lost her kid, someone help her."

What can I say.  I love my kids more than I love the music.  Maybe that's why my first festival was after my youngest son went to college.

Okay, I'm off my high horse.  I won't even mention bathroom etiquette, talking during songs, or cigarettes... 

Let's talk about why we even GO to the festival in the first place....

THE MUSIC and trying not to be OCD* about it.

Bobby

I love the music I love... well who doesn't?  I love being right up front, getting swept away by exciting new music. I like it really loud. I like the music to take me to new heights.  I like to hear a singer sing a phrase I've heard all my life and letting me hear it like I've never heard it before.  I get very excited watching two guitar players trade off the lead in a song seamlessly.  Three guitar players? Even better.  Love watching a jam among players who know each other so well that they intuit where they're going and miraculously a new song unfolds from what sounded like chaos a moment ago.  Delicious harmonies bringing new understanding to a song I thought I totally knew... but now wait a sec... what are they doing here... singing it in a minor key??? WHAT??? And I feel tears in my eyes that I don't even understand.  

I know people can relate to this, even if you don't like the same music I like.  The problem is at a festival like the Peach, there are bands playing at all times on three stages.  Starting at about 1:00 in the afternoon.  And those stages aren't near each other.  So that's a lot of running back and forth (HEY! They're the guys from moe. Come on!) 

or it's a moment of clarity where I say to myself...

"Juliet... you spend your life running around getting from place to place.  The people with you don't care that much.  They would be happy to just hang out.  Slow down and relax."

So I did exactly that.  I didn't go see Cabinet a second time, or run from stage to stage, or clamber to the front for Government Mule.  And it was all okay.  I had a great time hanging out with my friends Iris and Rob, and my husband Michael, on the lawn. I took pictures, created some jewelry, and even sold one of my bracelets (for $10 and a Rice Krispies Treat).   Later we packed up and moved up nice and close and I got back to my slight obsession with the music.

Pretty fancy display...

I realized that this festival was not just about the music, though the music was fantastic. It was about riding a ski lift to the top of the mountain just to ride it back down and take pictures and have a few laughs. It was about sleeping late. It was about relaxing with my husband and my friends.  It was about having a beer in the parking lot and letting things go one last time before my work becomes so intense that I might forget how to do this for a while.   

So, now what?  I found out Cabinet was playing tonight right nearby... But it was my mom's birthday so we all went out to dinner to celebrate.   I'll be scouring the paper, the internet and my email to see when the next music fix will be. While I'm writing this I've been listening to Ratdog's set from Friday night at the Peach.  And I've uploaded all my photos so I can attach a link to this blog in case the ones I've included here aren't enough.   As I conclude this lengthy blog I know that it means it's time to go back to reality.

Except Bobby just started playing Loose Lucy...

So, reality?  Maybe tomorrow.

Thank you.  For a real good time.

This is the link to my Picasa photo album if you want to see more.
I think.

https://plus.google.com/photos/101888049983386479881/albums/5914968144397249537?banner=pwa


*OCD : meaning: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, meaning... needing to hear all the music and not miss a note, at the expense of socializing with friend and relaxing in the sun.